Funny wedding vows for a wife at a backyard ceremony

I promise to remember the night the sprinklers turned on mid-rehearsal and you screamed like we were being attacked by raccoons. You were not attacked by raccoons. You were attacked by irrigation.

I vow to always let you control the thermostat, the remote, and the final say on whether a spider 'counts' as a problem I need to handle immediately.

I promise to keep pretending I know how to grill, even though everyone, including the dog, has figured out you're the one who actually times the burgers.

I vow to laugh at your jokes even the third time you tell them, because watching you tell a story twice as enthusiastically the second time is my favorite rerun.

I promise, backyard or ballroom, to keep choosing the folding chair next to yours, wobbly leg and all.

I promise to never let you forget that during 'sprinkler-gate' you tried to shield me using only a paper plate of appetizers. The shrimp did not survive. Neither did your dignity.

I vow to accept the thermostat throne you've handed me, and to use my new powers only for moderate, reasonable temperatures, mostly.

I promise to let you believe you're the grill master while I quietly double-check everything isn't raw, because I love you and also love not going to urgent care.

I vow to keep laughing at my own jokes loudly enough that you don't have to, because that's teamwork, baby.

I promise, in this yard, this mess, this beautifully chaotic setup, to keep sitting in the chair that wobbles, because wobbling next to you beats steady next to anyone else.