Funny wedding vows for a spouse at a backyard ceremony

I vow to never bring up the Great Grill Fire of our third date again, except for today, one last time, because it's genuinely how I knew you were the one — you handled a flaming sausage with the calm of a man defusing a bomb.

I promise to keep pretending I don't know you hid the extra folding chairs in the garage so we wouldn't have to invite your uncle's whole bowling league to this very backyard.

I vow to let you control the thermostat of our actual house the way you've apparently already decided to control the thermostat of my heart, which, fine, you win, it's always been yours.

I promise to always save you the last marshmallow, the good lawn chair, and the side of the bed that doesn't have the weird spring, because apparently that's what love looks like now.

I vow that when we're old and gray and sitting in this same backyard, I will still laugh every single time you tell the sausage story, even on the four hundredth retelling.

I vow to never let you forget that I was the one who actually put out that flaming sausage while you stood there filming it 'for posterity,' which we now call our engagement video.

I promise to always double-check the folding chair count before any gathering, because somebody has to protect this family from your uncle's bowling league, and that somebody is apparently me.

I vow to fight you for the thermostat exactly as hard as I fight for the good lawn chair, which is to say, not very hard, because watching you be smug about small victories is one of my favorite hobbies.

I promise to always leave you the weird-spring side of the bed, the slightly burnt marshmallow, and approximately sixty percent of the blanket, out of what I can only describe as love.

I vow that in this same backyard, decades from now, I will still correct your version of the sausage story in real time, because somebody has to keep the historical record straight, and I love you for needing me to.