Funny wedding vows for a partner at a courthouse ceremony

I promise to love you even when you insist that parallel parking 'builds character,' and I will only bring up that fire hydrant incident on special occasions.

I vow to split the last slice of pizza with you, unless you're in the bathroom, in which case I invoke the ancient law of finders-keepers but will feel moderately guilty about it.

I promise to listen to your theories about why the grocery store keeps rearranging the aisles specifically to frustrate us, and I will nod seriously even though we both know you just like complaining about it together.

I vow to be your partner in all things: joint bank accounts, shared streaming passwords, and that ongoing argument about whether the thermostat should ever go above 68 degrees.

When we're old and gray, I promise to still laugh at your jokes, especially the ones you've told me four hundred times, because somehow they get funnier when you forget you already told them.

I promise to love you even though you witnessed the fire hydrant incident and still chose this, which either makes you very forgiving or slightly unhinged, and I'm grateful either way.

I vow to always save you the last slice of pizza, except for those times when I don't, and I will accept your passive-aggressive sighs as the price of my crimes.

I promise to develop elaborate conspiracy theories about grocery store layouts specifically because it makes you smile, and because complaining together is honestly one of our best hobbies.

I vow to compromise on the thermostat by agreeing to your temperature and then secretly adjusting it when you're not looking, as is traditional in all healthy marriages.

When we're old and gray, I promise to keep telling you the same stories over and over, and to pretend I don't notice when you mouth the punchlines along with me.